“Good listening” in parent and educator circles encompasses far more than the actual skill of listening. Children who are good listeners are compliant, jumping to the requests of adults without a second thought.
The actual skill of listening is one that I want to nurture: growing a child’s capacity for focus and engagement, engendering friendly respect and turn-taking, empowering children with pro-social skills to learn in a classroom setting. But, the imperative to be a “good listener” includes baggage that I do not want to impart on my young ones.
Consider these imagined conversations between adults and children:
Instances Typically Called “Good Listening”:
Pick up the trucks. No problem.
Put on your pants. I was just about to do so, thank you.
Hold hands across the street. I couldn’t imagine anything better!
Sit still at the table. Marvelous suggestion, Emily. Thank you for the reminder.
Instances Typically Called “Bad Listening”:
Pick up the trucks. (no response) Are you listening to me??
Put on your pants. I don’t want to! Why aren’t you listening to me?
Hold hands across the street. No! Listen – if you don’t hold my hand, you will get hit by a truck!
Sit still at the table. (squirm, squirm) You are having a hard time listening tonight. Dinner is done!
My problem with demanding children to be good listeners is that I really don’t want children who are blindly obedient, which is often what we mean when we say, “Be a good listener.” I am committed to raising children who know right from wrong, children who balance their own needs with the needs of others, and children who can stand up for themselves in the face of peer pressure.
And children who will be adults who can do these things are not “good listeners.”
I will raise children who think critically about what the world is asking them to do. My girls will be women who stand strongly against pressures to derive their full value from an image-obsessed culture. My boys will be men who live an emotionally integrated life. My children will defy injustice lobbied against individuals on the basis of their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, class, religion, age, gender, or status in life.
I will raise children who question the demands of “authority figures” who press them to make poor choices. My children will be clear about who can assume control over their decision making. My children will question anyone who forces them into uncomfortable situations. And, my children know that the demand, “Don’t tell your mom or dad,” is never something to go along with.
I will raise children who can advocate for their needs. No matter what. No matter when.
I will raise children who are clear about what a friend is and what a friend is not. My children will grow into teenagers who know how to respect their peers. My children will grow into teenagers who feel confident seeking different friendships or finding advocates when pressure encroaches on a relationship.
Here is what I know. My children will be defiant. My children will be disobedient. And while I don’t like being on the receiving end of those exchanges, this is not a disposition I want to smother in them. My job is to set consistent limits, and respond empathetically and consistently in the face of a child’s definance while preserving the internal voice for right and wrong. To read my child’s swift obediance – their “good listening – as a sign of my success is to miss the point altogether!
Let’s change the conversation. Instead of asking for “good listeners”, let’s give children the tools to act pro-socially. Instead of barking commands at children, let’s model the behavior we want to see. Instead of demanding prompt compliance, let’s encourage our children to ask why or offer a different plan to achieve the same goal.
An example of tools provided for children to act pro-socially.
Tools to Act Pro-Socially
Children do well when they can. Providing children with lots of visual cues about routines can support their success. It’s cold where we live right now, so preparing to go outside is a multi-step process. This morning, we made a chart to place near the door so that children can know what comes next. The ability to translate verbal instructions into action depends on a complex system of skills that children are still developing.
Model the Behavior
We ask children to listen, but we often don’t make time to listen to them. By making space in our days to sit on the floor and meet our kids eye-to-eye, they will internalize the value of their contributions, and will be ready to return the respect when the time arises.
More:
Look at Me when I’m Talking to You!
What To Say Instead of “NO!”: 6 Ways to Gain Your Child’s Co-Operation, Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby
Encouraging Why and Asking for Different Plans
When children are free to ask for reasons behind the requests, they become an active part in the decision making process, evaluating a request for reasonableness. Encouraging children to offer a different plan nurtures their problem solving ability and encourages them to think about the needs of a whole community as a means for achieving an end.
More: The Fine Art of Compromising
Fostering the skills in our children that we want to see in adults means a willingness to sit with nuances and shades of gray. It means seeking solutions rather than rattling off demands.
For more reading on obedience, check out:
“Do You Want to Raise an Obedient Child?” by Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting
Mind the No!
How to Raise Decent Children Without Spankings or Time-Outs
I’m confident I’ve read this very same sort of declaration in other places, it should be gathering popularity using the world
Pingback: Don’t Ignore Your Children | Abundant Life Children
I really like this idea for older kids. My only hesitation is the safety aspect.
I say this because we had a situation here in the NC mountains where a family went hiking. The toddler was running around not ‘listening’ to his mother. Sadly, he died when he ran off the side of the cliff. I cannot imagine the pain this mother is feeling!
At some point, you need to have your ‘stern voice’ ready for such an occasion when the safety of the child is at stake. If your child doesn’t listen to your, rarely-used ‘stern voice.’ They will not be safe.
My husband and I have discussions about this a lot, because he doesn’t think you should ever use the ‘stern voice’. I see REAL benefit in the use of it when my child’s safety warrants it.
To be frank, if your child is running towards the road, and there is simply nothing you can say or do to stop them in their tracks- you are not keeping them safe. We MUST remember that children’s brains do not fully develop until very late teenage years. We want them to be independent, but they are NOT capable of keeping themselves safe without our help as informed parents. Just my two cents.
I just stumbled upon your blog and am reading all the articles. I really love your ideas!!
Thanks a bunch!
Tricia
Thank you so much, Tricia! I couldn’t agree more. Without firm limits, we do our children a huge disservice. Safety is a non-negotiable. As parents, we do what we must in order to keep our children safe. I’m so glad you found me, and I’m glad to hear you are enjoying my articles! Best, Emily
I love this idea! But I’m not sure how to implement it. My 2 year old is definitely pushing boundaries right now. So, let’s say it’s time for her to stop playing with her toys because it’s time for her to take her bath and get ready for bed. We have had the same routine since the day she was born (bath, pj’s, story, songs, bed), but she has started saying no and sometimes throwing fits about doing it. We also do this routine at the same time every night. Usually we just say she doesn’t have a choice this time and then try to distract her with something she can bring in the tub with her or will get to do after her bath. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t (depends on how she feels; she’s teething). When it doesn’t work, what would you recommend doing instead? I don’t feel it’s reasonable yet to say 5 more minutes or try to compromise, she’s a young 2.
Hi Naomi,
Sorry for the delayed response! Children are in the process of learning where the boundaries are, and it sounds like your little one is doing just that! My advice would be to set very clear limits and follow through with those limits each time. I linked to an excellent article in my post on listeners by Janet Lansbury. She gives some helpful advice about setting limits. Here’s what limit setting with a two-year-old might look like: “It’s time for bed now.” (protest) “You wish you could play. I understand. It’s difficult to stop.” (more protest) “You still want to play. I won’t let you play now. I will help you stop playing.” (at this point, you will have to step in to physically support your child’s ability to do what you need, either by removing the toy, or removing the child to a different space.) The whole time, you are loving, but very clear with your language. Smiles, joking, or harsh tones make it difficult for children to decipher exactly what we mean.
I would advise against too much distraction, since distraction can sometimes communicate “your feelings are unimportant and should be set aside for the sake of the task.” Sometimes, we can honor the emotion while still moving forward with the limit. “You would like to play. You weren’t done playing yet. I can’t let you play in the playroom anymore, but I can let you play in the tub.” In that way, you aren’t distracting the child from the emotion, but you are offering a real choice, consistent with her needs, that allows her to keep some autonomy in the process.
Sometimes, it’s possible to offer choices in the moment that are helpful. “I can’t let you play anymore. You can choose to walk to the tub or I can carry you.” If the child protests or does not make a choice, “I will decide for you. I will carry you.” I hope that’s clear and helpful. Let me know how it’s working!
not only are you showing a path to help kids be true to themselves, this kind of parenting will lead to healthy citizenship aka people who are true to themselves. thanks!!
Thank you!
Wow! Just today I talked about this with another mother. I never understood why children have to be obedient. So I was relieved when I found blogs and books that said that cooperation should be your goal not obedience. Actually my parents didn’t expect me to listen blindly, they used to discuss things with me. They also never punished.It really helps to think for yourself. And the interesting part is that i didn’t hurt othera not because i would get cought, but because i never wanted others to get hurt. So I dont expect my child to do everything I say but now he is two and says no alot so sometimes i wish he would listen more
It sounds like you had a lovely model for parenting in your own parents. Thank you for your thoughts. I especially love the idea that your motivation for treating others with respect is not a fear of punishment, but rather, a sense that your own well-being is tied to the way you treat others. Thank you. Emily
I hear you loud and clear! Sounds like you are going to raise some wonderfully disobedient Libertarians! One point of critique… Why do the kids have to put on their mittens before they put on their jackets so they can go outside? Wouldn’t it be easier to put on and zip up your jacket before donning the mittens? ;o)
Ha ha ha! Curtis – you read very closely. We made the chart today, and our thought process was this: kids get ready at different paces, and while we don’t necessarily *all* go outside at the exact same time (I can stand in the doorway and supervise inside and out at the same time), the fastest dressers often stay indoors all bundled for a few minutes before their peers are ready. Coat = overheating. Plus, I like the mittens to be tucked into the coat sleeves to keep the snow out. So *I* thought mittens first would be a good idea. But today, in practice, we set to work and discovered even the “zipper-capable” children were unable to be completely independent. So either I help with the zippers or I tuck the mittens into the sleeves.
Keep in mind that I’m not originally from a snowy climate. It probably shows.
Ha! Being from Louisiana i have no right to really criticize your cold weather protocols! Your logic is sound… but you know I’m always going to give you a hard time! Loved the little chart by the door! Brilliant!
Beautifully put! “You need to listen” is a statement I’d like to never hear again.
Thank you!