A friend asks her injured companion, “What would be helpful?” and responds by kissing a wound.
A reader asked if I would compile a list of my go-to phrases that are useful in my daily work with young children. She mentioned that in reading my blog, she finds herself writing down phrases that she can keep on hand for when life picks up the pace.
I thought it was a marvelous suggestion! Keeping a list of phrases in your mental “back-pocket” can come in handy in any occasion. I have included a list of phrases below with lots of links if you are interested in more of the why behind each phrase.
Each of these phrases originated in its own way: some, suggestions from friends and colleagues, others, the result of conferences I’ve attended or readings I’ve done. Still others have grown organically out of my personal interactions with young children. I am indebted to the entire early childhood community for its collective wisdom, especially voices found here. Many phrases on this list were shared with me by Kelly Matthews and the young children in her in-home program, A Place For You Child Development Home (she now works as a consultant and is available for superb trainings through her business with the same name). My language around problem solving was heavily influenced by Dan Gartrell’s The Power of Guidance and Barbara Kaiser and Judy Sklar Rasminsky’s Challenging Behavior in Young Children.
And now, the list:
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- What would be helpful? When a child is sad, hurt, lonely, or angry, this phrase serves to keep the child in charge of her process. Respect for the child’s body is one cornerstone of my work. No kissing away a hurt without permission!
- What’s your plan? Useful when two children disagree, when a child and I are at an impasse, or when a child is working to solve a problem on his own, this phrase helps a child verbalize a course of action.
- You feel strongly. When someone is in the middle of a meltdown, these three words are emotionally cathartic. They reflect back to the child her inner emotional reality which helps as she learns to connect with her feelings. Also, “you feel strongly” respects a child’s right to define her emotional experience. “You’re feeling sad” or “You’re really angry” – while possibly accurate, short-circuits the child’s chance to learn how she feels.
- That was helpful/friendly/generous/gracious/etc. The more specific our language with children, the more they can learn “life rules.” We tend to casually drop guidelines without definitions. Instead of: be kind, I need helpers, or share your toys, specific language supports the child’s growing knowledge of what it means to be a friend, to be helpful, or to be generous.
- I see a problem. I see two friends who both want ____. What’s your plan? I say it so often that I don’t often make it past the first sentence before children offer suggestions. Allowing children the power to negotiate in the face of disagreement builds extraordinary confidence.
- You wish you could ___. I understand. This phrase offers a basic empathetic connection with a child who feels strongly. You wish you could play with the grasshopper. I understand.
- I will keep you safe. Whenever I have to intervene with a child who is acting aggressively, I step in with as little physical restraint as necessary (blocking a hand from hitting, for example) and use this phrase. Children need to know that we will help them when they feel out of control.
- I remember when you couldn’t ___ and now you can! Everyone is learning! This phrase allows children to see their progress over time and celebrates the victories as they come. One of our crew recently learned how to untie her shoes from a double knot. I offered: I remember when you couldn’t untie your shoes and now you can! Everyone is learning! I glimpsed a face so full of pride it could not be contained without a joyful little dance. Musician Tom Hunter has a song by this title and is the source for this insightful language.
- You are in charge of your body. I don’t want to paint! No problem. You are in charge of your body. I don’t want to eat my peas. No problem. You are in charge of your body. I’m not tired. No problem. You are in charge of your body. (Followed by, You can rest while your friends sleep.)
Now, for all the readers who would like a quick reference sheet, I created this just for you (from scratch, with my limited Photoshop skills…golf clap, everyone)! If you would like to print a copy, right click on the image below and save it to your desktop. I hope this is helpful!
I love your phrases but have a problem to which you might offer a suggestion. “You are in charge of your body” – I completely believe in this – however, my ADHD boy will not eat dinner, then want to snack for the entire evening. He HAS to eat because of his body weight, this is a medical issue. How can I be congruent with “you are in charge of your body” yet insist that he eats? He is 7, but I thought you might have an idea, as I am completely out and also tired of the dinner table (and the time from then till bedtime!) being a battleground. THank you!
Hello! Thank you for your thoughts. You bring up a really important issue, and it’s one that I’m not entirely qualified to answer. I don’t have specific medical training to speak with authority about childrens’ specific medical issues. And I know medication and side effects can create an almost impossible situation. At the same time, there may be some strategies to help. You say that the time from dinner until bed is a constant battleground…I’m curious to know more. What specifically is troubling around those routines? What happens for your son before dinner? Is he away at school during the day? I imagine he has been “keeping it together” at school and is compensating for all that difficult (but pro-social) behavior when he gets home. I think “you are in charge of your body” must find a way into the routine, however you find it works. I am pretty firm about meals taking place at mealtime and at the meal table. But you may decide it is more important for your son to dictate when he eats, as long as there are reasonable parameters about what and where that satisfy your family’s needs. You might also decide that he doesn’t have to eat during dinnertime if he’s not hungry (and can have a snack later), but he must sit at the table with the family. Keeping other stimulation to a minimum during mealtimes (no television, as little up-and-down from the table as possible, etc) will be helpful. You might find that overlooking some of the minor behaviors at the table might help. Perhaps there is a way to accommodate a different table position (like standing instead of sitting, as long as there is a single place where he stays standing so he doesn’t wander during the meal). I’m guessing if he has been really moderating his behavior throughout the day, he is needing to feel some autonomy and power. The more choices he has at dinner while still fitting into the overall framework of the meal plan, the better. Can he help select the menu? I don’t know if *any* of this will help – it sounds like you are dealing with issues that are more medical in nature. Best of luck to you with your son!
Wow, not just young children. Every administrator should learn to use these phrases!
I love these child-respecting, growth-nurturing phrases. Sharing!
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I love your phrases. Thank you for sharing.
You are so welcome! Thanks for stopping by!
Emily, You left out… “Tastes change.” I learned that one from you.
“You might want to try those _peas_ again because ‘tastes change’.”
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I do love a good list – thank you! My two year son is very verbal, I can just see him taking up “You are in charge of your body” with gusto – especially around food he doesn’t want to eat and nappy changing time (!!), so I’m probably not so keen on that one. However, I love You feel strongly, You wish you could… and I will keep you safe. Actually I love them all :>
Can I ask a question? I see in your comment above that you work with children birth to age 5, do you find these phrases work with the younger subset of this age of children? While I do think these would work well with my son, I wonder if he might need an example or two to ge the concept moving. I am also thinking about other children in my local playgroup. Do you think offering a prompt or choice would be ok? For example, “What would be helpful? Would you like a cuddle or a kiss (or whatever is appropriate for the situation)?” Or is it ok for them not to answer?
Thanks again!
Kirstie
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How beautiful is this blog? How about this one for parents?
“You didn’t know how to help these kids sort out their squabbles and now you do! Everyone is learning!”
LOVE it!
This is great pinched for Children’s work
How do you deal with the toddler who won’t rest quietly but does need a nap?
Hi Genevieve,
If you don’t mind, I would love to solicit my Facebook community for some ideas here. Mostly, I provide a predictable environment that is conducive to sleep (dark, soft music to muffle the noises of quietly talking children, naps at the same time and in the same place everyday, the same routine before naps…) — beyond that, if a child is not sleeping, I offer quiet activities (books, soft dolls, etc). With the youngest ones, I lay next to them until they fall asleep while they get used to sleeping on their own on a cot. Keep in mind, I am working with a program of youngsters from birth to age 5…it makes a difference when the children are not related to me. My own children have a more difficult time staying on their beds. For them, I continue to remind them: “Now is resting time. I will put you back in your bed.” with as little emotional involvement as possible. I hope this helps! I would love to post this on Facebook to see if others have ideas.
My 2 older quit napping early. We have “quiet hour” now and I have a visual timer on the iPad. They are allowed to do quiet activities and whisper. It’s not a huge deal, just time for quiet. The timer was the key to it working for us though. They needed to know how long it would be.
Jump in bed with them. It’s a win win, usually resulting in lots of snuggles, and sleep from them
Very helpful! Thank you very much. I am going to share this with all my friends.
And just to further ‘credit’ where credit (and so much more is due), the phrase, “I remember when you couldn’t do that . . .” actually comes from a Tom Hunter song and can be found here: http://www.tomhunter.com/store/waitingforyou.htm (along with other really good kids’ music that won’t make your ears bleed).
Thank you so much for adding this!! I’ll be adding it to the post – I didn’t realize you learned this from him, though I also know the song, and I’m not surprised!!
Emily, so proud to call you my sister! This is great stuff. I will be using it with the boys!
Beautiful sheet! Printing off, laminating, and using in the future!
This is great, thank you! I found your page recently, and amidst the sea of “natural parenting” this and that, yours always speaks to me the most and is the most helpful. I love this, thanks again!
I’m so glad! Glad to meet you!
I want to echo what Gina said. It’s been refreshing and very very helpful!
Thank you for this summary and the WONDERFUL reminder sheet – I am going to print it off and put it on my refrigerator right now! You really do provide such amazing resources, Emily. From all of out here in cyberspace – thank you!
You’re so welcome! Glad you can use it!