The crew and I arrived at our local park last week to find that we were the second child care group visiting that day. I’ll admit a slight bit of relief, as I usually spend a great deal of our first moments at the park explaining (to every other adult at the park) why there are so many of them and only one of me and no one appears to be a twin. Is it even possible? Well, as the second child care provider on the perimeter, I felt in good company.
Then I noticed the comments from the other provider and realized what different pages we were on, regardless of our shared profession.
No climbing up the slide. Stop putting wood chips on the equipment – they will make everything dirty. Be careful climbing up on those bars, you’re making me nervous. You will fall and get hurt. Watch out! Climb out from the middle of that wheel. If you stand there in the middle, someone will fall on you and it will hurt and you will cry. Stop talking to her [me]. Now is not the time for talking. Now is the time for sliding. Come back over to the slide and play here. You can talk all day long after we get home.
Before moving on, I must share my unwavering belief that most of the time, educators and parents are making the best choices they know to make. Voicing concerns for safety and helping a child get the most out of their day at the park seems like a perfectly reasonable priority. And yet I can’t help but reflect on the consequences of our hyper-vigilance (our “super-supervision”) on our developing children.
We live in an era without accidents. Don’t get me wrong, we still have plenty of accidents, we just don’t view them as accidental anymore. Instead of chalking up a bump or a skinned knee to “kids being kids,” we look for the negligent party that allowed this accident to happen. We sue McDonald’s over the spilled coffee.
No accidents? How will I learn to manage risk?
And it’s affecting our children.
Young children need lots of practice learning to manage risks when the actual risk of injury is very low. Consider the likely scenario if a child climbs up the slide. Option 1: the child has an opportunity to learn physical coordination and balance by maneuvering a steep incline. Option 2: While working on those physical skills, a child going up and a child going down have an unfortunate encounter. By extension, those two children recognize the importance of being aware of their surroundings.
When children don’t get lots of practice learning to trust their physical bodies, they are actually at greater risk of injury! The more they learn when they are small, the safer they will be in the long run, because they learn to negotiate situations that carry risk.
1. Trust, trust, and trust. Children have a remarkably accurate internal gauge of what they can comfortably manage. The less we interfere with that, the more children will learn to listen to that voice of reason. This means that for children on both ends of the risk-taking spectrum, we support their development. A child who eagerly climbs a wobbly cargo-net to the top of a play structure is ready for that challenge. A child who resists climbing up that same wobbly cargo-net long past his same-aged peers is just not ready for that type of exploration. To force the adventurer to tone it down or to force the cautious explorer to push past their fears communicates one thing: your internal voice cannot be trusted to keep you safe.
2. No More “Be Careful.” My daughter learned to climb one of these fancy pieces of equipment when she was very young. As she was learning to climb, I was learning to bite my tongue. Instead of all the “be carefuls” that came instinctively, I used my physical presence to help assure her safety and provided specific feedback when the situation arose.
You seem stuck and want to keep climbing. To move up a rung, you will need to put your foot and your hand on the next bar up. Do you see where there is a gap in the wall of this structure? Keep your body away from that gap so you don’t fall out. When children climb past my own sense of acceptable risk, I step in like this: You are now so high that I can’t reach you if I need to. I will watch you move back down. I resist the urge to label their adventurous climbing as “unsafe” – after all, it is my own discomfort that compels me to pull the reigns back a little.
3. Do only what you can do on your own. If we put children into situations that would be inaccessible to them on their own, we generate a false sense of confidence and dampen their internal awareness of their limits. You can climb the monkey bars when you can get up and down on your own. You can go on the slide when you feel confident sliding on your own. If I hold a child’s weight while she moves her arms from one monkey bar to the next or sit with a child in my lap while we go down the slide together, they lose contact with what their bodies are naturally capable of doing.
4. Set the stage for success. Our job is to prepare spaces that are safe for exploration. That means eliminating hazards and reducing risks. We do our job of securing heavy furniture, covering electrical outlets, and providing toys that are a safe size for mouthing infants. When we are out on field trips, we try to visit public spaces that provide the most accessible learning areas. By learning in spaces that have few built-in limitations, children learn that they are capable and that persistence will pay off!
5. Respond well to hurts. Accidents happen. As parents and educators, we cringe to see our beloved wee companions in pain, and yet the learning that children do when they fall down and pick themselves up again is critical. The way we assist in those moments of pain can either support the learning process or saddle our children with increasing fear and anxiety. Janet Lansbury wrote a wonderful reflection on this process and includes an amazing example of this practice in action.
In short: be calm, give specific feedback about the injury, and honor the child’s way of managing pain. Don’t hug if a child does not want a hug. Don’t kiss if a child does not want a kiss. Don’t touch the child (if they are physically safe from further injury) until they say it would be helpful.
References:
Gill, T. (2007). No fear: growing up in a risk averse society. London: Calouste Gulbenkian Foundation.
Gramling, M. (2010). Zero risk, zero gain: Tom Sawyer, Won’t you Please Come Home?. Exchange, March/April(192), 50-51.
Guldberg, H. (2009). Reclaiming childhood: freedom and play in an age of fear. Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon: Routledge.
Lindon, J. (2003). Too safe for their own good?: helping children learn about risk and lifeskills. London: National Children’s Bureau.
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If you liked this, you might enjoy:
Headed to the Moon! Pulleys and Risk-Taking
Learning from Children: 3 Lessons for a Full Life
Lessons in Learning: Familiarity Breeds Competence
Thanks for posting this again on Facebook. I even commented before and forgot! This is issue is one of many reasons I started a new site, and this very article is the inspiration for my first blog post on the new site. http://kidnaturalist.com/2013/03/05/the-high-cost-of-accident-free/
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LOVE this. My son’s preschool posted it (http://www.tbtinc.org/) and it is RIGHT ON! Love it.
Glad you found it helpful! Your son’s preschool looks like a wonderful place to be. Thanks for sharing! Best, Emily
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Reblogged this on fromamummysheart and commented:
I think I might pass it on to thegrandparents next as they would have the cotton wool out to wrap her in in an instant if they could 
Which type of parent would you say you are? Are you quick to worry or are you more laid-back?
This is great, and made me laugh as well. My husband is the panicky, be careful, you might hurt yourself kind of parent, and I am the stand back and let them be type parent. He freaks out a lot when he’s at home at the things I allow her to do when he’s at work. Often this leads to little arguments as I defend bravely my daughter’s right to carry on doing whatever she is doing. So, of course I made him read this, coz sometimes when it comes from someone else it hits home a bit better
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Re: #3: I expect kids are also supposed to learn team work – that you can do more with others than you can alone. There is also learning to be had in various stages of any experience and you can’t start learning and growing from experiences you never end up having because you were stuck at the first step (kinda like how having nonsensical pre-reqs for courses in college can get in the way of learning things you should’ve learned and made part of your thinking earlier)
Re: #4: Even without a lot of care, what could happen? Kids son’t get seriously injured often. Even in places like rural Africa most kids manage fine.
I like #5. The wrong kind of feedback can confuse your (own) development – its a problem even in adult relationships.
People at the park gasp and want to get up and ‘save’ my 17 mth old daughter when she is coming down the biggest slide at the park. She knows how to do it. I taught her how to do it safely on her own so she goes up and does it all the time. The parents then look at me as if to say aren’t you going to see your kid.
when I was working one kid was mucking around on his bed. He doesn’t sleep he was a 4 yr old put into the under three room to sleep by orders of his parents. so his ju,ping on those stretcher beds and rolling around. He fell out and bumped his head (yes like the 3 little monkeys did) he had got a little cut from hitting his head on the tiles. All handled well stopped the bleeding called the parents the parents came in and started yelling abuse didn’t want to hear a word of anything about what her son actually did. Called Docs on us and Docs had to come and Monitor us for a day to see what we were doing. .
Some parents just can’t handle that kids are going to hurt themselves. its a learning curve for them.
You bring up a good point that there is a learning curve for parents as well as children! Thanks for sharing!
Emily
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Love this! As a parent to twin toddlers, I’ve given up on the idea that I can constantly monitor EVERYTHING my kids do at the park. In a way, it’s been liberating. Of course, I’m watching them to make sure they’re not doing anything crazy dangerous, but I simply can’t hover over both so I don’t. When we get an “ouchie” we smack our hands together to shake it off. It’s much easier than freaking out over every scrape (which would make parenthood a very, very long road for me).
Thank you so much, Cara, for taking the time to share. The skills you are growing in your children will last their lifetime. Best, Emily
This is a great article and hopefully I can refocus what I say and how I act with my LO at a playground.
On a side note, please fully research the McDonalds coffee case you are referring to prior to insinuating it to be *frivolous*. She was burned very very badly and only asked for medical bills to be covered. The coffee was 200°. She was 75. She had many skin grafts.
Thank you so much for this post. This is the way my husband and I try to raise our 2-year-old son Theo. I tell him he can only climb up the slide if nobody’s waiting to come down. But if not, go for it. Go ahead and climb any structure you want to try–I’ll be nearby just in case you slip, if it might be a bad fall. If it won’t be a bad fall, well you go on and have fun there.
We were at a park the other day with another toddler and his grandma. As Theo clambered all around, the other boy wanted to try one of those curving ladders Theo had just ascended. Grandma’s response: oh no, sweetie, that’s too big for you. My heart broke inside a little bit for that boy. Meanwhile, our son is near fearless and has developed a great confidence in his physical ability.
Please keep on sharing this message, that our children are capable of so much and should take on risk when they wish to.
Thank you so much, Dawn! Best, Emily
This is just awesome… How I wish all parents and educators would understand the importance of letting kids explore their abilities and limitations. I’m sharing this far and wide!!
What a great article! This is such a tough one for me. I took your going up the slide training at Iowa AEYC and absolutely loved it!
EXCELLENT article. I have a very tough-cookie, 9 yr old, who has a great muscular physique since she was 3. She could easily swing though the monkey bars, and most parents would just stare at me with mouths open at the fact I wouldn’t hold her through. I would just walk along side of her to cheer her on. Today….she is super strong, nick-named George (for Curious George), climbs all over the place. Yes, she’s now in gymnastics, loves being outdoors, and has a zest for life that I only wish I had 1/2 of. She’s never afraid to try anything. Has she been hurt along the way, yep, sheds a tear, and wishes she could go back to whatever got her injured to try it again….with band-aids or stitches, or ankle-boot!
Just today one of my 2 year old twins fell off one of the items at the park that she had previously been successful with. I walked over to her (freaking on the inside) and looked her over to make sure she was okay. Then she asked me in her little voice, “What happened?” I said, “You fell. Would you like to try again?” She then got up and let me brush her off and then went about her business of climbing the apparatus she fell from.
I let my twins explore playgrounds on their own. If they can’t climb it, then I don’t help them….then they move on to something that they CAN do. The only thing I disagree with is allowing kids to climb up the slides and I see that as a courtesy issue (I don’t even allow them to climb the slides when we are alone to avoid conflicting signals), not a safety issue.
This is a wonderful post, thank you!
Great, great article!! I have been in that exact scenario on the playground, I let my kids go at their own pace, even if it seems “crazy” or “not enough” (I have a cautious one and a fearless one). I love encouraging them to figure things out on their own, talking them through situations where they can’t figure it out, being there to make sure they don’t get seriously injured.
The playground (and so many every day things) are amazing learning grounds for our kids if we let them be!! Thanks for writing this!!
I resonate: one of my own is cautious and one is fearless! Thanks for sharing, and I’m glad you enjoyed this article!
I’m a college professor, so I see where the kids end up. I strikes me that these moments you’re describing are the seeds for the parental behavior of nearly-adult children that I witness. I can’t even count how often my students’ parents won’t allow them to study abroad, even in “safe” locations, let alone in truly different places like Mongolia. Or won’t let them take an alternative service spring break trip because it is in Haiti. Or won’t allow them to pursue a career that might not have an obvious immediate payoff. Thanks for sowing the seeds of all kinds of independent behavior.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share! I studied in Germany for a year in college, and it was some of the best learning of my life. I am hopeful that these independent seeds I’m sowing will flourish as these kids have opportunities later in life! Warmly, Emily
Very well written and I agree with almost everything you say. I do have an issue with kids go up the slide though. It is not a safety thing for me though, it is a common courtesy thing. If your children are the only ones using the slide then going up the slide is fine because it does not interfere with other children’s play. However, if there are other children playing on the slide then having a child go up the slide causes other children to not be able to go down and ruins their fun. My son is one of those cautious kids (actually he has severe vestibular issues that make him terrified of things such as cargo nets and swings) and when a child is climbing up the slide, preventing him from going down it upsets him a great deal. It is one of the few things he can comfortably do on a playground. Because of that I see parents let their children go up the slide as inconsiderate.
I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m glad that I’m not the only one.
Thank you both for taking the time to share! I am confident that experiences like this are perfect learning grounds for social guidelines like turn taking, respect, and courtesy. Giving the children going up and the children coming down a chance to advocate for their needs helps them learn valuable skills. I am completely sympathetic to your child’s unique situation, bqkimmy…do you find the need to step in and advocate for his comfort in public spaces? Best, Emily
Spot on – so hard to control our own fears – but critical if we want to empower our babes
The woman was almost 80 and permanently disfigured by the extremely (as in boiling hot) McDonald’s coffee. She was suing only for them to pay her medical bills.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hot_coffee_lawsuit)
Otherwise, I agree with you post. I hate it when I discipline my kids just for the sake of the people are observing. Luckily, the older I get the less I care about people’s opinions of my parenting.
Sure am glad I was online to read this! I will definitely share.. Well written. Thanks much!
As I spend 90% of my day at the playground with my active 2 year old, I loved this post. I am always trying to encourage her to try things on her own, and then try again, before I give her the help she requests. I think your post is so respectful of children’s boundaries, without any of the snarkiness or judgment found in other pieces about childrearing. Thank you for this.
I’m glad to know you found my piece to be snarkiness-free! I work very hard to write matter-of-fact articles that won’t lend themselves to misunderstandings…sometimes unsuccessfully! Glad it worked this time, and thanks for sharing! Best, Emily
This is a wonderful post, what I did with my daughter and still do. All the “directing” of children in the playground can difficult to hear, not to mention all the “good jobs”. It’s nice to have people like you out who are letting kids play like kids!
I totally agree!!! THe problem to me, actually are the OTHER adults… My child likes climbing trees. I love it too, so we do it often. So, obviously, EVERY child wants to do it too. The parent says no, and then look accusingly AT ME (on top of the tree), waiting for ME to take the hint. I used to explain all you say here. Now I just politely smile. If they get upset, so be it. In fact, if they allow me too do so, I help every single child to climb the tree. The other day, a mom said “please make your son get down, its dangerous!” so I said, softly “the danger is that he does not learn that it might be dangerous. I wont be around forever, you know…” “you are so irresponsible!” “yes mam…” it get really exhausting after a while
But I am hopeful… hopeful that some day, WE will be the standard!
This article is fantastic! Thank you for posting it, I ironically had a debate about climbing up the slide because a parent near me kept telling their 2 yr old to not climb up the slide and once he did he removed him and made him leave. I felt that this was a bit much (there was a light spank involved as well) I can not tell you how often I see parents hovering over capable children in the play area of my local mall. It drives me nuts, because I just want to tell them to let their children play thats all they want to do. I don’t follow my 2 yr old around the play area, I watch him closely, but most of these equipment he has mastered fully so I’m not too concerned about him falling or hurting himself and he knows where to find me if he needs me. It’s amazing the amount of people who just won’t let their kids play. I will say I am a “be careful” parent, I’m trying to lessen it, but it’s really difficult lol, especially when his feet come swinging into my face. Over all though I get your message and shared it as well.
Thank you, Dannie! I had some other feedback about the “be careful” suggestion. My observation is that “be careful” in and of itself is non-instructive, so it doesn’t provide helpful feedback to a learning child. That said, if I need to get a child’s attention, because that child is about to kick me in the head with her swinging feet…”be careful!” might be just the phrase! Thanks for sharing! Emily
I try to be like this, but sometimes it’s hard! I think part of it is my DD is a risk-taker (and I’m the opposite), and while she doesn’t remember some of the nasty falls, I sure do! I remember reading some time ago that fathers are more likely to let their kids try things that they may, or may not, be ready for yet, so as a single parent, I look at things like the playground as my ‘father’ time, when I let her try it all and I try to make sure she’s not looking when I am making a scared face.
Oh, Sunshine, I have had to turn away too! When our own comfort levels aren’t well matched with those of our children, we have some compromising to do…either compromising our own comfort for the sake of encouraging our risk-taking children, or speaking up for ourselves and requiring compromise from the child when the activity seems over our line. Thank you for sharing! Best to you as you accompany your little risk-taker. Emily
Such a great post Emily! Every word rings so true. Thank you!!!!!
I completely agree with this. I recently took my children to the park and watched with interest as my two year old climbed to the top of a slide tower. She was experimenting with the monkey bars but eventually decided she couldn’t manage it and turned her attention elsewhere. I am happy to see her trying things out, working on what she can and can’t do, and eventually I won’t have to get up from the bench to help her in the park anymore! Is it bad that that is my goal?
I often say to my kids who want help climbing trees and whatnot — “If you need my help to get up there, you won’t be able to get down on your own. I am not here to play FOR you.”
No major accidents yet, and they are a wildly adventurous bunch!
I like that language of “not here to play FOR you.” Thanks for sharing! Emily
Love this post Emily & am off to share it far & wide! I am always amazed when I encounter other teachers when out on field trips & hear them make so many things off limits that I encourage my class to do. Kierna
Great article but the ‘We sue MacDonalds over spilt coffee’ is not an appropriate illustration of your point. The coffee in question was over 100 degrees and left third degree burns on an elderly ladies thighs. It was way too hot to serve, and they deserved a lawsuit. So think about doing some research before you blithely mention things in your written work. Other than that, great points!
I appreciate your point. Using the McDonald’s illustration was a way to invoke litigious culture we live in, but I appreciate your concern for accuracy.
Seriously, have you seen the pictures of the woman’s burns? Very graphic and disturbing, you would sue too if it happened to you. That is not an example of our litigious culture, that lawsuit was an example of justice. Corporations who serve the public need to follow their guidelines, the coffee was way over the recommended temperature.
McDonald’s received over 700 other complaints, and the woman offered to settle for a reasonable amount but McDonald’s refused. The coffee was between 180-190 degrees when typically coffee should be sold at 140-160 degrees. This 79 year old woman was in the hospital for 8 days and continued needing treatment for 2 years afterwards. Sorry, this story has just been used so many times when people do not know the facts of the case. The media had a field day with this story convincing us all it was a frivolous lawsuit.
Agreed. That was my only problem with this lovely article.
So true! I definitely believe in “setting the stage for success,” as you put in, and then letting children play, take reasonable risks, and encounter the consequences. I am very skeptical of “playground safety” books, experts, and programs which seek to make an industry out of fear and leave the children worse off in the end! You are right, children who have not been given chances to risk and fail in appropriate settings, do not know their bodies and how to gauge a “safe” risk. Well done – cheers!
Thank you!
One of my little guys fell down a couple concrete stairs yesterday and scraped his face…it looked a whole lot worse than it actually was. I filled out the incident report, like a good provider should. Dad picked up the child, and mom started to “freak out” when she saw her baby’s face…”Don’t worry! There’s a sheet!” Dad said! lol!
Falls and scrapes do happen. It is all how we handle them. 
Poor little guy! He is lucky to have someone like you and his parents who support his learning despite the falls.
I just talked to someone about this today and encouraged the grandma not to hug her grandchild, lest the child wants to be hugged. It is about the child, people, not about how we want to feel about what happened!!!
Thanks Emily, I am learning so much! Love ya,
Noemia
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It’s amazing how our culture disregards the opinions of a child when engaging in physical affection with them. I would never walk up to another adult who did not want a hug and force one anyway! Love you, too!
Simply LOVE it!