Process-oriented art a la Cadence
Metaphorically speaking.
I was at a park, sitting a few feet away from my very capable 1-year-old who was climbing up and down the stairs and skillfully maneuvering the slide. The mother of a young toddler followed her daughter through the structure close to Desmond. She spotted him, and looked concerned, thinking (I assume), “Where is this boy’s parent? Should I intervene?” She was alarmed – unaware of Desmond, his context, his mad climbing skills. From my place, however, she was hovering – crowding her daughter’s exploration, and giving her daughter a false sense of competency. Our eyes met almost immediately, and she asked, “Is he yours?”
Exploring with prisms
That trip to the park affirmed what I know is true: parents and care providers approach the world, grounded and driven by very different values. Naming the driver frees us to think reflectively about what we say and do. We too easily stand in judgment, one eyebrow raised, observing another parent’s “hovering” or “uninvolved”. But one person’s “hovering” is another person’s “concern.” One parent’s “uninvolved” is another parent’s “competency-building.” In naming the value driving us, we can view the decisions of others with curiosity, motivated by relationship to ask questions that reveal the underlying values behind those decisions. And together, we can find points of connection, compromise, and truth.
So while I recognize that I can’t judge your choices by the rubric of my driver, I think it’s important for me – as one who shares advice, ideas, and lessons – to name the value in my driver’s seat, in the spirit of honest reflection. I know many characters ride shotgun: independence, self-sufficiency, resilience, compassion, curiosity, and self-assurance, but in truth, these are all mere navigators. At the deepest core of who I am, I hold respect as my highest value. I will champion many causes, but to maintain my personal sense of wholeness, they all ride as passengers with respect behind the wheel.
Because respect is driving, I seek to preserve a child’s emotional integrity, and do not distract tantrums or melting-down.
Because respect is driving, I allow children to maintain control over their mouths, to choose to refuse food or take seconds.
Because respect is driving, I resist the urge to stand a baby before she can stand on her own.
Because respect is driving, I champion play-based, child-directed learning.
Because respect is driving, I preserve the child’s control over his body, and don’t tickle, wrestle, or toss high-in-the-sky as a way of playing, before the child has a strong vocabulary to tell me when they’ve had enough. And at that point, STOP or NO is respected immediately.
Child-directed play.
Because respect is driving, I encourage a child to find her own sense of beauty in artistic expression, value the process over the product.
Because respect is driving, I refrain from evaluations: “I like that picture.” or “You’re a good runner.” because I want children to find satisfaction and fulfillment without contorting their art or their efforts to measure up to what I think is great.
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I expect that a different value drives your decisions. You may consider some of the same causes close to your heart, or you may even find respect in your driver’s seat and end up at a different destination. Who’s driving your car? Can you easily point to one value that drives everything else you do? I value your comments, and would love to hear your thoughts below!
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Your post was great reading. It brought two things to my mind; teaching in pre-k and describing to others my observations about the children who are the “watchers” and the “workers”. Recognizing that all children approach situations differently helped parents feel better about their child (and helps ME be more patient and observant). The second thought was about how differently parents “drive” than I do, and trying hard to acknowledge a perspective that is valid–even if vastly different than my own. When kindergarteners come to school I expect that they can capably hang up their jackets and backpacks, yet often parents do this job for them. Usually this is coming from a family of immigrants. I had conversations with my principal about this and she was very good at helping me recognize that for some parents, this “helping” is their way of teaching and caring for their child. Thanks for your thoughtful words!
I *so* resonate with this! I find it very easy to judge others by the standards of my driver instead of taking the time to look at the situation from their perspective. Thanks for your thoughts!! Emily
Can I say that I agree with all the goals you posted here? And, yet, I might be that mom, “hovering” over her son. My2 1/2 year old son, from the day he was born, so strongly wanted and needed me by his side. It was a bit of a struggle for me at the beginning, when I wanted him to “learn” to sleep alone, and still now, when I want him to do things on his own. Yet, I am learning to let him do things at his own pace and not force him into an independence that he resists. When he goes to the playground, he wants me to keep him company, to be near him while he tries new adventures. So many people call him shy…I simply tell him to let me know when he is “ready” to do something, whether say hello to the workers at the store, climb a structure on his own, or play in the sprinkler. It’s made me so much less productive…yet my “shy” boy has surprised me time after time with unexpected confidence and independence. He has learned so much about being with people by being glued to my side for so long. He is so creative and fun. He has shocked me when we go to play at big kids houses and the 8 and 10 year olds ask when he can come back to play. I applaud all of your goals and the independence of your child. I do trust that one day my little sweet boy will be “ready” to meet the world as an independent and confident boy…in his own time.
And this is why I *so* believe in context!! I cannot possibly diagnose another parent’s decisions from the outside without knowing what is driving their choices. Where I see hovering, there is actually a parent very in tune with her child’s needs, responding respectfully and compassionately to what they need from her at the moment. Thank you so much for sharing and for doing what you know is best for your son!! Thank you!!
Emily
Nancy, my 3-year old son sounds very similar to yours and I too struggle with the balance of encouraging his independence and being available to his needs (how he perceives them). It’s a daily challenge to me as I’m part of a group of moms with children who are mostly extroverts. I find time after time that he becomes more confident and independent when given the closeness to me that he needs, and becomes needier when I attempt to push him into something he’s not ready for. It’s a lesson I kee learning.
By giving my son the connection he needs, I am now seeing him flourish into this amazing friend and person, gaining confidence and independence. It’s wonderful. My 15 month old daughter is opposite- independent from the day she was born, and she has “asked” for (and received) so much more freedom and independence, which was hard at first since I was so used to my son. It’s such a neat process to see each of them grow in their own ways. Thanks for sharing and thanks for this post as well, a great reminder to be thoughtful about my own parenting choices.
Thank you, Katie, for your story! Context is everything…and I can tell from my wildly different children that each one needs a very specific set of responses from a parent in order to grow into their fullest selves. Your son and daughter are lucky to have someone so closely tuned to what they need. It can be hard to be around a group whose children all seem to have different needs (and therefore, require different parenting styles). I don’t think we often consider our motivations for what we do, and therefore, we become too judgmental. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story and keep on loving your children into who they are supposed to be! Cheers, Emily
Oh my gosh, this article had me from beginning to end but your comment actually brought me to tears. My son is the same way and I get so worried that I am smothering him or that he is nervous or scared or overwhelmed when he wants me close all of the time. My three year old gets labeled shy, I even try to explain his hesitancy as shy, even though I know he really isn’t “shy” so much as not ready. It is so wonderful to know that we aren’t the only pair that is like this. Thank you so much for reinforcing my instincts about my little man and giving me the ability to say to myself that he isn’t rude or disrespectful to others while we are out, he just simply isn’t ready to be social and will do it perfectly in his own time.
Oh, Heather, I think you *have* to listen to your instincts (and your son’s!). My husband and I have been very clear with our children – you have the right to say no. If someone (a friend of Mom and Dad, or even a grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling even!) comes up and asks for a hug, but you don’t want to give them a hug, you don’t have to…YOU are in charge of your body!! Children who have parents who listen to what they are saying are children who grow up with a strong sense of self. If you force your child to be social when he isn’t ready to be social, he will learn *not* to trust his own internal voice. I wrote a post a while back about this (http://abundantlifechildren.com/2012/04/10/pro-se-helping-children-find-their-voice/). You are so wise, and it sounds like your son is very lucky to have someone paying such close attention to him. There can be a great deal of pressure on parents to have their children “preform” (hug so-and-so, share their newest skills, etc), that we sometimes feel like we need to apologize for them when they aren’t social butterflies. Go with your instincts! Thank you so much for taking the time to share!! Emily