Crying. Screaming. Whining. Moping. Melting down. Pestering. Throwing a tantrum. Pitching a fit. We have many ways to describe a child’s emotional sorrows: the anger, desire, frustration, fury, sadness, and loneliness experienced by the young children in our lives. As parents and providers, we are not-so-subtly pressured to get these moments under control. The sideways glances while we are out in public, or the raised eyebrows of judgment imploring a tighter reign over our reckless and disrespectful lot. And then there is the more powerful internal drive to fix. We often hold the power to bandage the woes – the desired cookie, the delayed bedtime, the ability to walk instead of ride. Yet what do children experience when we fix? And is the fix always truly a fix?
What our children need most from us when they experience intense feelings of sadness, sorrow, anger, or disappointment is our empathy and our connection. When I have had a long and difficult day, and I share the woes of that day with my loved ones, I want to hear, “Wow – that sounds miserable. Can I get you some tea?” (Now that you mention it, tea sounds lovely!) If instead I hear, “It wasn’t really that bad. You’re exaggerating.” (Wait, really?) Or perhaps, “Are you done yet? Let’s go fold the laundry now.” (What about my tea?) Or even, “You think that’s bad?? I’ll tell you about something really awful.” (When did this become about you? And where is my tea??) Thankfully, I have a supportive family on all sides that hear my woes and let me vent my frustrations. And do you know what happens to my spirit when I feel heard? I soften – the rough and angry edges, named and acknowledged, cease to consume me.
When we accompany a child in a moment of intense emotions, we offer a reassuring and affirming presence, validating the experience and offering to the child, This may feel overwhelming, but I will be with you through this strong experience. Honoring the emotional intensity with connection and empathy aids a child in the process of building emotional literacy.
The second thing our children need as soon as we offer empathy and connection is our steadfastness. Honoring a child means affirming limits for them. To bandage the woes with quick fixes disrespects the child’s need for solid ground. If the rules keep changing, how are they supposed to figure out the way life works? For example, if a child wants a cookie at the store, I mean really wants a cookie, and communicates that desire by yelling, screaming, or crying, we could offer the quick fix and give the child the cookie. (Will they want a glass of milk? Ha! Sorry…I couldn’t resist!) But what we do in this moment is to affirm to the child that the way to get her needs met is to yell, scream, and cry. I am all for cooperation, compromise, and dialogue over differing opinions – teaching children to voice their desires in socially appropriate ways is one of our highest challenges as early childhood professionals. But we disrespect a child’s desire to learn the ground rules for communication when offer quick fixes to a child’s emotional experiences. When we bandage a woe with a fix, we take away the child’s power to manage their own emotions, and we make them dependent on others to solve their emotional problems.
The Pain of Separating. Every child has periods of difficulty separating with loved ones. And who can blame them? I feel sad when I have to leave the ones that I love. And developmentally, children are learning that when you leave, you will come back – this is something they need continuous experience with in order to internalize. Some children cycle through tearful goodbyes repeatedly through their early years. Separating and reuniting is one of the foundational means by which we develop trust. For parents and providers alike, tearful goodbyes tug the heartstrings!
What children need is a thoughtful, meaningful goodbye followed by a respectful response to their reactions. Prolonged exits, or exits that start and stop can impede the child’s ability to fully feel the emotions, honor them, and move through them. Once the parent has left, children need a trusted adult who will say, “I see you are very sad about Mommy leaving. It can be hard to say goodbye. Mommy will come back in a few hours. I will stay with you while you feel sad.” We move our bodies close to the crying child and wait. Does the child want to be picked up? Does the child want space? For verbal children, we have a phrase we always ask at Abundant Life: “What would be helpful, friend?” because what would be helpful for me might not be the same thing that is helpful for you. I don’t always want a hug when I’m sad. Sometimes I want to be by myself. For non-verbal children, we still ask the question, and we wait for body language to signal how to help. “I see you are sad, Desmond. Would you like me to pick you up?” (I hold my hands out to show that I am read to pick him up if he would like.) Along with time to snuggle or space to be alone, we have a few other supports available at Abundant Life to help support a child’s transition away from parents. Upon enrollment, children bring pictures of their families which I laminate, making them available to children when they feel sad. Tekoa went through a period where it was tough for her to leave Daddy in the mornings, so she would go get his picture and bring it to the breakfast table with a pile of play food – he “ate” breakfast with us. This visual connection honored and supported her emotional development.
What children don’t need is distractions. It can be so easy to offer a book or a ball when a child is upset over her parent’s leaving. When we distract, we short-circuit her process of feeling the emotion, and we send the message that being okay is more important than feeling integrated. No matter how tempting, we must always work to support young children’s emotional processes by accompanying their feelings without distracting from them as well as resisting the urge to bandage the problem. As difficult as it is, sitting with a child through a period of intense emotions honors their spirits, and paves the way for emotional wholeness. And emotional wholeness is the foundation for successful relationships later in life.
I’m a new parent and found your blogs really interesting, great advice. One question that occurred to me, is it ever appropriate to ignore emotional outbursts, for example if it is purely designed to get attention? Thanks very much, Jo
This is the first time I read your blog and I am looking forward to reading your posts. I have a 2.4 year old son and a 3 month old son. My oldest is having a very rough time with the arrival of the new baby and has become very aggressive. Pushing, poking eyes, punching, kicking, etc. i have a daycare and he does it only to the kids in the daycare. I find myself continuously saying “stop, don’t do that, be nice, be gentle, no no no, etc” and its driving me nuts. He is also throwing tantrums if you don’t do what he wants and screams VERY loud. I dont want to have to spank him, put him in time out, or yell at him, I want to understand him and help him. What can I do?
Wow, this is great as well. (Can you tell I’m slightly addicted to reading your blog by my number of comments? lol) What you say here is so powerful; “we disrespect a child’s desire to learn the ground rules for communication when offer quick fixes to a child’s emotional experiences. When we bandage a woe with a fix, we take away the child’s power to manage their own emotions, and we make them dependent on others to solve their emotional problems”. That last part especially really connects the dots. Talk about a life skill that is carried into adult-hood. As far as separation goes, I am so glad see what you say about letting the child work through their emotions. Just a simple recognition of a child’s emotions and letting them know that you understand what they are feeling can be so powerful as opposed to trying to change their emotions which makes it seem like what they’re feeling is not valid. I’ve worked with so many people who get frustrated and upset with children who have difficulties separating from parents for one reason or another. Mostly due to the class size and demands/schedule of the school. I think this also loops back around to your post about our expectations and developmentally appropriate behaviours. Of course you know as an adult that the beloved parents will be returning and they will have fun with their friends in the mean time, but it is important to remember once again that for a child this is all somewhat new and needs to be worked through. For the past couple years I have considered starting my own small program as I have been unsuccessful in finding a place that aligns with my teaching style and views on ECE. I think you are slowly giving me the push over the edge that I need. It’s nice to read your posts as well as the comments by others and see that others feel the same as well.
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Thank you for this post. I know it’s been a while since you originally posted it, but hey, somethings are more relevant the second time around.
I have a question about a child dealing with strong emotions that s/he exhibits with unwanted behaviors. For example, my 15 month old will attempt to do something beyond his abilities, and, after not being able to do what he wants, will get frustrated (naturally) and then mad, and then throw whatever it is he’s working with. Sometimes the need to respect his emotions and the need to show him how respect to all things (even objects) gets confusing.
I believe the best discipline is in showing appropriate ways to navigate situations, as opposed to saying what not to do. But in some instances, such as displays of aggressive behavior, require both types of discipline. I also believe that the root of aggressive behavior is usually the result of not knowing how to deal with the emotions at hand, (and, probably in the case of my 15-month old, not knowing the difference between, say, throwing a ball and throwing a cup of water). I mean, throwing things can be great fun, even cups of water, but there are certain times and places when and where such things are appropriate and other times/places where it’s not and expecting a 15-month old to already know those differences seems short-sighted. But helping him figure out when to determine if it’s the right time/place can be just as difficult for the care giver as the child (at least in my case). And what’s harder (for me) is helping him figure that out when his thought process is heavily influenced by overwhelming emotions.
How do you allow children to process their emotions (especially those who are verbally limited) while still making sure that their outlets are respectful?
You are so wise. You are *right* on track – the root of behavior usually comes from such strong feelings that don’t have an appropriate outlet yet. And, telling a child “no” is not nearly as helpful as telling a child what to do.
Here’s how I might handle it. In the situation you describe…child gets mad, throws something that should not be thrown, I might say something like this:
“Wow. You are feeling very strongly about that. It’s frustrating when you can’t do what you want to do. I won’t let you throw ___ because it might (break/make a mess/hurt someone). If you would like, you can throw this (ball of socks/pillow) to show how frustrated you are. When you are calm, you can help me clean up the mess from the spilled water.” If there is a mess the resulted from their outburst, I try to involve them in cleaning it up. It maintains a closeness between the two of us and gives the child an action to repair the outcome of their strong emotional response.
Often, verbalizing the strong feelings is enough to help a child calm. Whenever a child does something inappropriate, I always step in and use my body to stop it. If I see they are about to throw something, I will put my hand on the object as well (not taking it away…merely neutralizing it). If they are about to hurt someone else, I step in and use my hands to stop that from happening.
That’s what I would do. Take some comfort in the fact that at 15 months, children are still developing their voice..and when they find it, they won’t have a need to throw or kick or bite to get what they need. I would worry less about the behavior (stop it, certainly, but don’t dwell on it). As you continue to verbalize the emotion, you will develop a pattern of openness towards strong emotions that will pave the way for wholeness as they grow.
I hope this is helpful! Again, I think you are right on track!!
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Hi Emily!
) This is such a big topic among my mom crew and with my husband – we are so with you on this! We always talk about wanting to raise an emotionally secure/confident child and I love your wisdom here – it can be a hard process! Thanks for the encouragement to continue to make it a priority. Looking forward to reading more of your educated and thoughful blogs!
I found this through Ezra’s Facebook page – so glad I did! I worked with you guys at Pepperdine if you remember.
Blessings to you and your beautiful family.
katie
Of course I remember you!!
I’m so glad we virtually reconnected. There is so much wisdom to be found when we listen to our children – and it takes courage (often going against what society expects) to do that. Have you read anything from Hand in Hand parenting or Non Violent Communication? Great resources there! Hope you guys are well!!!
Emily, as always, I love your articles. Question about the public, emotional meltdowns over “cookies” at the store: Can you give a more specific exmple of a non-”fix” dialogue that connects, yet calms when mom has to say “no” at the store? I recently had a success in this area by discyssing groundrules before going into Target…but not sure if this was a fluke, or actually a good strategy!
Here’s what I say (and I had to say it tonight at the store). The conversation went like this:
“Mom! Ballet shoes! Mine are broken. Can we get these?”
“Not tonight – we’ll look at kidworks or try to fix the ones you have at home.”
[meltdown commenced]
Me: “You really wish you could have them. It makes you very disappointing to leave them on the shelf. I know you are very excited to get some ballet shoes that fit.”
The crying didn’t stop, but I picked her up and hugged her, and kept affirming, “I hear that you are so disappointed.” So, you have to put up with some crying (which everyone else assumes you need to stop asap). I believe that allowing her to cry but hold the limit of no ballet shoes at that moment frees her to connect deeply with the disappointment. If I just give her the shoes, it cuts her off from her feelings. If she is used to getting her way by crying, the periods of crying might be more intense when you first start connecting and enforcing the limit. Check out Hand in Hand parenting for some great resources.
It’s been my experience that other adults (the ones we assume are judging our parenting in public) respond more to how the parent is handling the situation than to the way the child is expressing their emotions. If the response to a public “meltdown” is yelling or ignoring, the response from watching adults seems to be generally pretty negative. However, when I respond to exactly the same “meltdown” behaviors by talking calmly, crouching down, and offering comfort, the response from onlookers seems positive, despite the fact that the child’s behavior might look the same. Keeping this in mind helps me stay calm when my children are showing BIG emotions in public, and helps me handle it the same way I would when there wasn’t an audience. It keeps me from bringing my own baggage to the situation (“I’m so embarrassed, what must they all think of us?”) and focus on what my child needs.
I found it especially refreshing to read your comments about children’s sadness at separations. I get sooo tired of childcare workers who use distraction, or who say ‘They stop crying as soon as the parent is gone’ as if that means they’re not sad at all, were only pretending.
Another wonderful post! I was just discussing this issue with my husband. We were both at a loss on how to teach a child how to handle their emotions.
Thank you for teaching me so much.
Thank you for your sweet comments! Hope you are doing well!
Emily, thanks for this post. I am particularly interested in your advice not to distract when intense emotional experiences are going on. I will sometimes use distraction/redirection when my toddler is particularly frustrated by a task at hand. His reaction often turns from frustration to anger. You made me realize that it is probably more important to let him ride it out through the frustrations and anger than to try to fix the situation. Any thoughts on how to be compassionate during anger especially when your child is still largely in the non-verbal stage?
Hi Courtney!! Some of the best advice I ever read was in regards to empathy. Often, a mere empathetic statement will soften the emotional edge. For example, if someone is reluctant to put their shoes on, I might say, “I can see you would really like to have your shoes off. You have to have your shoes on so you can play safely. I can help you or you can do it yourself.” The pattern of Connect-Reasons-Support: “I can see you [are angry/sad/disappointed/really want that toy]. You have to do ___ because ______. I can help or you can do it yourself.” Something of the like. Verbalizing the strong emotions is so helpful. Even just saying, “Wow. I can see you feel really strongly about that. What would be helpful?” or “Wow – you are feeling so strongly about that! I will sit close by while you feel strongly. If you want to climb into my lap, you can.” Statements like these can be helpful. Does this get at the situations you are dealing with? Hope you guys are well!! I love seeing pictures of your little dude – he is so cute!!
Yes, Emily, this is quite helpful (good NVC concepts at work there!!) I think the key with my guy is waiting a few miinutes until the emotions have settled. In the middle of anger, he often does not want me to verbalize anything . . . but a few minutes later, I think these words would have a very positive effect. Thank you!!
You are so wise to allow him to feel the anger before you engage. In our angriest moments, we really do have limited access to our brains – especially our problem solving areas. Thank you for sharing! Love NVC…changed my life!
Yes. It sure is complicated. The world of a child …. very complex.
I agree with most of the post. Children are very different though. But it certainly depends on how they are being created. Who their teachers are …. meaning parents of course. I see so much damage a parent can do. It happens everyday in our country. The abuse and neglect.
There must be a reason why jails and prisons are filled to the max. Shouldn’t this be closely looked at? How does that happen? Well, children grow up. Then what?
Lots and lots to understand. The one thing I know for sure …. our country has huge/giant issues when it concerns the growth process, treatment and overall care of a child. Most folks have no idea how difficult it is. AND what a tremendous responsibility it is to fully/properly create another human into adulthood.
It is complicated – and an enormous responsibility! SO true!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.